William’s Final Journey
With each passing moment, I come closer to my final breath. New life, new stories will be renewing the fabric, even as I fade toward silence. Carry me in, lay me down gently by the fire. Here, at last, I can relinquish my failing body and wounded psyche, knowing that everything recycles, joining the earth, the ancestors, the spirits. Sing me out, oh my beloveds! Twine me into the eternal basket, the vessel of our collective heart, the circle of the cosmos. Lower me into the well of stillness, witness me as I take my leave. I want to die in heart circle.
—William Stewart excerpt from RFD, Spring 2010, issue #141 (pictured below)
Mere weeks after celebrating his 70th birthday, a long-time cough sent William to UC San Francisco Medical Center, which resulted in an emergency tracheostomy and a diagnosis of aggressive thyroid cancer whose prognosis was a mere two months. Suddenly the man who lived by and for words — writing, lettering, studying — could not speak. But he wrote! Text messages and handwriting on paper, as well as essays poured out of him for months to come.
William had obviously thought about death extensively, surely influenced by his experience as a Shanti volunteer during the AIDS epidemic. A decade prior to his death he had written “I Want To Die In Heart Circle.” Now, with assistance, he did just that. He began by clarifying that his goal in dying was quality of life, not quantity. He wanted to be a model of conscious dying for his community.
William’s primary caregiver and end-of-life doula was Janaia Donaldson, longtime friend and William’s sister in their family of choice. His care manager was Jason Patten, Groundswell community member and William’s personal assistant. They rented a flat in San Francisco with a lovely garden view and hired a nurse and daytime caregivers to meet his needs while under hospice care.
William died surrounded by his artwork.
William had furnishings and books brought from home to create the environment he wanted. The wall opposite his bed became his Last Art Show, an exhibit of favorite calligraphic works from his collection and loaned from friends. He worked feverishly to update essays. His favorite music played from his phone. Janaia and Jason periodically sent emails to update William’s extensive community.
Many wished to visit him — far more than William had the energy to handle one-on-one. After consideration, he chose to host several “Silent Dharma” events. Visitors enjoyed William-style tea in the garden, and came indoors to visit William in ones and twos. As they spoke, he wrote feverishly in reply. Really, how could he be silent??
Janaia shared with William about Medical Aid in Dying (MAID) as an end-of-life option. He decided to make that option available in case of need. It required two meetings with two physicians two weeks apart, to ensure he was of sound mind and knew the implications. Once in place, we did not discuss the option until very near the end, as pain increased and mobility decreased. As a lifelong “fatalist,” he was more inclined to let things unfold than to take action. The moment of choice came after a fall, the need to be turned every few hours to relieve bedsores arose, and the daily bodily pain became excruciating, especially because William did not desire to be on a level of pain medication that would impair his ability to be present. William decided that the further process of prolonging his death would be an endurance of tedious pain for himself and his caregivers.
Holding vigil
On Monday morning October 18, 2021 William chose MAID two days hence. Early in the evening of October 20, he shared his goodbyes with a few selected friends. Janaia alone entered at the “sacred moment” with the medicine. Eyebrows raised, William’s face held an uplifted expression as if to say, “And now, on to the next adventure.” He administered the medicine through his feeding tube, peacefully closed his eyes, and was soon unconscious. Friends sat in vigil, quietly reading aloud and singing. Within about 20 minutes, his breathing ceased.
His care team quietly set into motion following his detailed written instructions. They washed his body and dressed him in his white linen garments, and laid him on a redwood plank from Groundswell. Visitors came to view his body the next day.
Lying in state
On the second day was a memorial and potluck. The plank holding William’s body was carried through the opened windows out to the garden. Stories were told and songs were sung amid laughter and tears — sharing the grit and the good from William’s life. Several hours later, his body was wrapped in white linen and rolled out to the sidewalk to be taken to the crematorium amid more songs and tears.
Farewell, dear one! As you said so often, “more will be revealed.”
Video: Terry Donaldson
